Cheza

[Cheza]

Name

-Cheza-

Age

-fifteen-

Starting Point

Amestris

Class

(moonflower-chimera)

Apperance

Cheza has lavender hair and red eyes. She is awfully blind. She is in the same jumpsuit that she had been in since her creation. She just dangles from the ceiling when she was being made she cannot get out of her jumpsuit that she was in at the time. She wears a red cloak, She is at the height of five foot four inches tall, and weighs just slightly at one hundred and five lbs. She is awfully pale and she wears red boots that she keeps on while she is walking around with her blind eyes without falling off a cliff.

Personality

She is polite and soft-spoken as well. She is gentle person who wouldn't hurt anyone who means the most towards her. She is quite a kind soul who wouldn't hurt anyone that means the most to her. She is a girl who had been with Kiba and others for son long that she wants to meet them once again. She wonders if Kiba Zane was around at the moment. She is a naïve girl as well. She enjoys the peace that she is given at that time. She is pretty much loyal to the wolves who brings her the most peace.

---

Title

Moonflower

Main Skills

communicate with wolves, open the gates to paradise, heightens senses of knowing she's going, Knows her way around despite the fact being blind, and sings the songs to soothe the wolves

Main weaknesses

blind, not having enough water, doesn't plan ahead, gets hurt quiet easily, not getting enough sunlught,3 full moons lifespan

History

Cheza was born in a tube as a lunar maiden that she had been laying there for the longest time after an unnamed alchemist made her. She had been watching the others that came around. She had mostly been in Amatarias when she awakened from the long sleep hat she had from so long that she was actually sleeping in tube of the Darcia's family. She had been living for so long she had the appearance of fifteen even though her true age is hidden. The last time that she meet Kiba and his gang, she was in her tube not knowing when she come out of that tube. Of all things that she hadn't done she had been trying to live her own life.

She was a chimera who was in the form of a girl who is a lunar maiden. Cheza hadn't known how long she could be alive without anyone being around her for the longest time. She just wanted to make sure that she was going to help out whoever needs her help. Cheza had been created by the last of the Alchemists in a tube and she was trying to figure out her own life. She just been created from human cells and lunar flowers. Kiba Zane had freed her, he was an alchemist who made a tough choice to let her go free.

---

Face Claim[/i]

wolf's rain, cheza

Main Account

cheza

Other Characters

none

Anything Else we might need to know

-She has a connection to wolves-

[/size]

[Blue]

This application is PENDING.

There are just a few things that need to be changed. A few phrases are a little unwieldy, and a few others are unclear. In her skills you have listed 'heightens senses of knowing she's going'- does that mean she has all of her senses heightened, being greater than that of a human? If no, what exactly does it mean?

Also, you have stated in the top under 'Class' that she is a chimera- please add that she is, in particular, a Moonflower-chimera.

For the Personality, Appearance and History- these seem to have strayed into one another throughout the paper. The Appearance should only be appearance-based traits, things that people can see. The Personality should only be her thoughts, feelings and reactions. The History should include how she came to be in the test tube, as well as whether she's still there. If she's not still there, how did she break out? And the history of this board is different from the plot of Wolf's Rain, as it is an alternate universe with elements of Fullmetal Alchemist set after the end of Wolf's Rain, in the new world that Kiba created.

Once you've fixed those things please reply here and we'll be glad to check it again. :D

[Cheza]

Fixed

[Hakumei]

*cracks knuckles* alright, my turn. REMEMBER: This is to help you. if you don't like that I am trying to help and get mad, claiming I'm picking on you, that's on you. Everyone starts somewhere, this is to help you down the right path.


Appearance

• She is suppose to be completely blind. By saying 'awfully' it implies that she still has some sight left.
  
• You talk about her 'jumpsuit' A LOT yet you don't describe it. If you want to talk about it that much then state what colors it is, it's design, what parts of her body it doesn't cover, etc.
  
• "She just dangles from the ceiling when she was being made she cannot get out of her jumpsuit that she was in at the time. " <- this... this right here makes NO sense to me. She is not 'dangling from the ceiling' at all times so why does it say that she dangles? That is not needed, I have a feeling it's just filler.
  
• Organization is all over the place, try describing one feature at a time, start with the eyes, hair, skin tone, body style then move on to the clothes. You'll find it easier to follow if you do that.
  
• You say she is blind twice... you only need that in there once.
  
• If you want to make the description bulkier, try describing her hair cut, how much emotion her eyes show and give more of a description of her clothes.

Personality

• Every sentence starts with "she"... it's not wrong, it's just redundant and bothers me.
  
• You say that she wouldn't hurt anyone several times, you only need it once.
  
• Explain her emotions.
  
• Explains her bond with wolves more, what does she feel when around them, how would they normally react to her?
  
• You don't need to mention Kiba (wolf) in her personality, with a description of her bond with wolves it unnecessary.
  
• Try explaining how she reacts around strangers.
  
• Explain how she reacts around human friends.
  
• You don't need to say that she wonders if Zane is around. That has nothing to do with her personality.
  
• Basically.. this needs more bulk. It's too short, and doesn't explain much about the character at all... it just says that she is quiet and harmless.

History

• ...your first sentence... it makes no sense. "that she had been laying there" <- try telling how she was created before saying that she spent most of her life in a tube.
  
• She can't watch people, she's blind. Yet you say she was watching people walk around? *shakes head* you may want to take that sentence out because it doesn't belong.
  
• you spelled Amestris wrong. You say "hat" instead of "that" though it may have been your keyboard.
  
• Try explaining how long approximately she had been sleeping for.
  
• her age appearance does not belong in the history, it belongs in her appearance.
  
• You say she met Kiba and his gang... they have not found her yet, unless you mean Zane. If so, you might want to clear that up and describe how he got her out of the "tube" and how they got out of where the tube was being held.
  
• Start of the second paragraph. That information should be in the beginning, not in the middle of the history. Histories are suppose to be in chronological order like a history book. She wasn't created after she escaped.
  
• .. Your ENTIRE second paragraph is just repeating the first with different words. You'll want to fix that... it needs to be different. Try explaining how her and Zane went about their lives, did they stay together or did they split up? Did something happen to Zane or to her after they escaped? Detail is the key but don't repeat yourself.
  
• Take your time. Don't try to type it all out in 10 minutes, it takes most people hours -if not days- to get down a good history and they don't expect to get it on the first try either. We aren't asking for anything to be perfect, we are just asking for it to be coherent.